The Days That Followed
by Henate
Summary: Arthur has passed away, and Merlin needs to face the ones left behind in Camelot and tell them about his death. This story takes place after the death of Arthur and through the time leading up to Guinevere's coronation, following Guinevere, Gaius and Merlin as they work through their losses.
1. Broken

**_**This is my first Fanfiction ever. Reviews are much appreciated as it lets me know how I am doing, what I can do to improve my writing, and if you are enjoying this story!**_**

 _Chapter one: Broken_

He sat there, peering out over the lakes of Avalon, in complete and utter silence. His gaze was glazed over with tears, but his body no longer shook with the heavy sobs that had left him only a few hours previously. He could no longer see the boat, it had disappeared into the mists, bringing his best friend along with it.. or rather, the body of the person who had been his best friend.

Kilgarrah had left long ago, leaving the young warlock to mourn in peace. And now, there was silence. A deafening and overwhelming silence, that threatened to swallow up his entire being. It had begun to rain some minutes ago, perhaps fifteen, or maybe it had been twenty. The mists over the lake remained all the same, not even the rain could wash them away. Just like his tears couldn't wash away Arthur's death.

It must've been several hours now, but he did not feel like moving an inch. He simply didn't wish to leave this place. Not yet. The travel back to Camelot would take so long on foot, and he was tired. Tired to the point where most men would've collapsed into a pile on the ground and drifted off to sleep, but he was not most men. He would rest and mourn the loss of his friend in peace, watching over his resting place for as long as he felt that he needed to. Surely they were anxious in Camelot, to know the fate of their king. Was he alive, or had he passed away? Right now, he couldn't bear to take the first step of the journey that would only result in heartbreak and grief.

The sun began to set, and he had yet to move an inch after sending Arthur away from the shore. He couldn't travel back in the night, but now he had to gather his strength, atleast enough to collect firewood and create a campfire. He shuddered as he moved onto his feet, his clothing soaked and cold from the rain that had only recently ceased to fall from the skies. He couldn't remember feeling this cold in a long time, not since the Dorocha had struck him in the night so many moons ago.

Tiredly, he moved through the woods, collecting twigs and branches and gathering them into his arms. His mind was void of any thoughts, his body almost moving on it's own accord as Merlin found himself feeling nothing but emptiness. It was welcomed, this empty feeling that now occupied the place where grief had been only moments before. It was nessecary, he need to function long enough so that he would not freeze to death in the night.

He returned to the lake with arms full of firewood, and he proceeded to create a campfire. The mutter of a word and a flash of gold later, and the wet wood was burning, spewing smoke into the skies above him. At the edge of the campfire he sat down, blankly staring into the dancing flames as tears welled up in his eyes once more, and grief returned to claim it's rightful place within him.

And he cried, and it felt like hours passed before he drifted off to sleep, way to tired to remain awake, dried tears smeared across his cheeks.

He found no peace in his sleep, his dreams being ravaged by nightmares, far more cruel and dark than the events of the past few days. He tossed and turned, and awoke with a scream, his brow soaked with sweat, and his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. The contents of the nightmares eluded him, but he feared them none the less.

The sun would likely rise in half an hour, if he was not mistaken. He rose to his feet, rubbing the remainder of sleep out of his eyes as he moved himself closer to the lake of Avalon, peering out into the mists again.

"You're my best friend, Arthur. I am going to miss you more than you will ever know. You probably can't even hear me. I wish you were here, and I wish I didn't have to tell everyone that you passed away, but I must.. If Kilgarrah is right, then we will meet again. Please, don't take to long, Arthur."

He shifted away from the lake, kicking some mud onto the smoking remains of the campfire before he begun the long walk back to Camelot. For each step he took away from Avalon, the deeper his heart sunk in his chest. He was walking away from his best friend, he did not know when he would see him next, if he'd ever see him again. Each step away from the lake was a step closer to Camelot. The place where he'd find his friends, people who'd look at him with expectant eyes, only to realize that Arthur was not with him. He'd have to look all of them in the eye and tell them that he had failed. That he hadn't been able to save Arthur, that he hadn't been able to save their king, and their friend.

Five or six days it would take, if he didn't happen to stumble upon their horses on the way back. It was unlikely, and he didn't know if he wanted to get there any faster even if he did find them. He needed these days of solitude, even if his mind was eating away at him with 'what if's' and thoughts of guilt and blame. Maybe they wouldn't blame him for being inadequate? He nearly hoped that they would. It would make it easier for him to hate himself for not being able to save Arthur.

What would Gwen say? She'd cry, that much was certain. She would most likely never be the same. Would she want him there with her? Or, maybe she'd send him back to Ealdor, his services no longer needed. No, they were friends, atleast for the time being. He wasn't so sure if they'd still be friends after she learned of his failure. He had always brought Arthur back to her, always. But this time he had failed. And what about the knights?..

He shook his head lightly, coming to a halt on the road. These were selfish thoughts. He was thinking of how they'd treat him, if he would still be welcomed, and if he'd still have friends upon his return. He needed to focus on them, on their wellbeing, making sure they wouldn't hate themselves the same way he hated himself right now. He would put himself and his own insecurities last, to make sure his friends would pull through this without breaking. He'd have to become their rock, if he needed to. He needed to be there for them to fall back on should they falter, or slip along the way. This however, did not change how he felt deep within his heart.

The rest of walk back to Camelot almost seemed to be a bit easier after this, though he never did stumble upon those horses.

* * *

He came to a halt as he set his gaze upon the castle in the distance. It wouldn't be long before he'd arrive at it's gates. Surely the guards would alert the others about his arrival, and likely before he'd ever have chance to set foot into the castle, Guinevere and the others would be upon him. He'd be bombarded with questions, or, there would be none. The fact that Arthur was not with him would likely be more than enough for them to understand what had happened. He simply didn't know what would happen when he returned. Only time would tell.

His feet carried him through the lower town, past the first set of guards. And surely enough, someone was sent off to send word to the Queen. He could feel a knot forming in his abdomen for each step he took from that point on, for each step that brought him closer to the castle. He paused briefly, taking a moment to gather himself before carrying on, his breath trembling as he released it, as if he was cold.

He rounded the corner and arrived in the courtyard, and surely enough, Gwen and the knights were waiting for him, all of them except Gwaine. It would be unlike him, but he wouldn't blame him.

His gaze briefly met Gwen's, before it dropped down towards the ground, his fists clenching. "I.. I am so s-sorry.. I f-failed" he stuttered forth, his composure leaving him as he found tears threatening to press forth from his eyes.

"I.. I c-couldn't get there.. f-fast enough.. I.. I'm so sorry" he pressed on, his nails digging into the palms of his hands.

It felt like forever as he stood there. 'Did they all leave?' was the question that echoed through his mind, but he didn't dare look up. The question was soon pushed aside, a warm embrace pulling him back to reality and away from the darkness of his own mind. He heard sobbing, distant, as well as sobs originating from the person who held him tightly in their arms. At some point during his apology his eyes had closed, and upon opening them he found himself in the comforting embrace of Guinevere. His gaze trailed off, and before he managed to stop himself, he broke down completely, his plans of being their rock shattering right then and there.

His legs gave in, and before he knew he found himself on his knees, clutching at Guinevere's dress. "I'm so sorry, Gwen.. I should've done more.. But there was nothing I could do.. I.. I tried everything.. I let you all down.. I failed!" he let out inbetween sobs, each sob heavier than the one that came before it.

Guinevere lowered herself down after Merlin as he fell to his knees, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He had been alone for so long after his passing. She had still had hope of his return, and people around her to ease her mind. Merlin had no such things. She cried, her heart ached and her body was full of grief, not only at the loss of Arthur, but at the knowledge that Merlin had to go through all that on his own. And as he cried, she too would cry. She wished to speak words of comfort, but the words were stuck in her throat, drowned by the tears. They would speak later, but for now, she found comfort in sharing tears with one of her closest friends. Words weren't needed. They knew eachothers pain.


	2. Mourning (Part 1)

_Chapter Two: Mourning_

Gaius had been out doing his rounds through the lower town once the news of Merlin's return reached him. In a rush the remainder of his duties were completed, the elderly man then setting his course towards the castle, and toward Merlin. He was filled with concern for the young man, the concern overwhelming the grief he felt upon hearing the news of Arthur's demise. He rounded the corner moving towards the courtyard, the sounds of sobbing soon reaching him as he came into view to those in the area. Guinevere was there with a curled together figure which he identified as Merlin. The knights blurred into the background as Gaius made his way towards the two.

His physician's bag, hit the ground as he came to a halt behind Merlin, setting his hands down upon his shoulders in a comforting matter, whilst casting a knowing comforting gaze towards Guinevere. Their gaze met briefly, before they both moved to aid Merlin up to his feet. His arms would wrap around the young man, holding him tightly within his grasp.

"Oh, my boy. I can not begin to understand what you must have gone through. It's alright, my boy. Just let it all out." he spoke softly with a comforting voice, resisting the urge to join them in their tears. An invitation was extended out towards Guinevere, and soon he held them both in his comforting embrace. These developments had broken his heart, and they still had not broken the news regarding Gwaine's passing. But now was not the time.

* * *

Merlin tears soon dried up, no more finding their way out of his eyes. He simply functioned, his body following the will of others as Gaius brought him inside the castle, and towards the physicians chambers. He didn't object, he lacked the energy to do so, and simply being in Gaius' presence was enough to send the darkest thoughts into the back of his mind. 'You're being selfish, Merlin. You don't deserve this' echoed through his mind, only to be pushed away by the echo of Gaius' words, although he did not quite grasp a hold of what they had been

He found himself sitting staring blankly towards the floor as they had finally reached the physician's chambers. He registered the murmur of Gaius' voice, but his mind remained completely vacant, until a hand upon his shoulder jolted him back to reality.

"Merlin?" Gaius had spoke, his face displaying great concern, the lines on his face looking deeper than normal, and the man looking like he had aged a decade since the last time he had properly seen his face.

"Gaius.." his own weak voice responded.

"Is there anything I can do for you, my boy?" the elderly man continued, seeking eye-contact with the young warlock. Merlin simply shook his head. There was nothing that could be done. Arthur was already dead, and even if Kilgarrah had said that he had not failed, he knew deep inside that he had.

"Merlin. You did everything you could, do not blame yourself, for none of us will ever place any blame upon you." Gaius spoke, his hand remaining firm yet comforting upon Merlin's shoulders.

He didn't understand. Why wouldn't they blame him? He had failed to bring their King back to them. It had been his incompetence and lack of understanding that brought about his death. And yet, they were all trying to comfort him.

"It was clearly not enough, my everything" slipped through his lips in a tone sharp enough to cut through steel. He rose to his feet, pushing away from Gaius and heading straight towards his own chambers, slamming the door shut behind him.

He immediately regretted his actions.

* * *

Guinevere found herself in her chambers after Gaius had escorted Merlin away from the courtyard. She sat on her bed, her face cradled into her hands as she silently cried, her shoulders the only tell-tale sign of her tears. She knew that she wouldn't have the time to mourn the loss of her husband, of her love, nor of her King. Camelot needed a ruler, and Arthur had placed his faith in her prior to his passing. And there was still Morgana to worry about. She had not been spotted since after the battle at Camlann, when Gwaine and Percival had gone after her and made an attempt on her life.

Had Morgana been involved in the last moments of Arthur's life? She knew so little about what had occurred in Arthur's final days. Only Merlin knew, and she would not push him Not yet. He had suffered enough, and she couldn't even begin to imagine what the last few days had been like for him.

But knowing him, he was beating himself up over it, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Her hands left her face as she reached for the seal, clutching it tightly in her grasp. She peered towards her closed fists, tears dripping from her eyes and into her lap as she sat like this for several moments.

She would have done anything in order to have Arthur there with her. But now all that was left of Arthur was the love that they had shared, and the faith he had placed upon her. Words could not begin to express how much she missed his presence, and how much he would be missed.

* * *

A careful knock sounded at the door leading to his room. Merlin offered no reply as he sat on the edge of the bed, head hung low and his hand folded together. A few moments later and Gaius entered, striding towards him before taking a seat besides him on the bed. Soon they both sat in nearly the exact same position, where they remained for some time.

"I'm sorry, Gaius. I didn't mean to-" Merlin begun, before he was abruptly interrupted by Gaius.

"I understand, my boy. You need not apologize to me. This is all incredibly difficult for us all, and I do not blame you in the slightest." Gaius spoke, setting a hand upon Merlin's shoulder.

"You knew him his entire life, Gaius." Merlin began, pausing lightly.

"Indeed. An old man such as myself should not outlive the younger generation, especially not the youngsters you've watched since before they could walk or even speak. But life unfolds in many mysterious ways. And often it will feel unfair and unjust, yet there is nothing that can be done to change it. One must simply accept, and move forwards." he spoke lowly, almost muttering.

Merlin nodded ever so lightly, his hands still folded.

He still didn't know about Gwaine, but Gaius deemed that this would not be the right moment. This wound needed to start healing, before they'd tear open another wound in his heart. He simply couldn't bear the thought of subjecting Merlin to even more pain right now. Now was not the time.


	3. Mourning (Part 2)

_Chapter Two Continuation_

 _He found himself in his room as several heavy footsteps rapidly approached the door. Perking himself up, he soon found several guards bursting through the door, moving to forcibly grab a hold of the young warlock. He attempted to protest, but he found his words stuck in his throat._

 _The guards were dragging him towards the door, the young man protesting with all his might against their hold, leaning his entire weight backwards, attempting to free himself. He felt panicked and fearful. He tried to call out for Gaius, but yet again the words simply would not escape his lips. He was pulled out of his room and thrown down the steps and towards the cold stone floor, impacting the floor with his abdomen, sprawled out onto the ground._

 _Before him stood a pair of feet, and upon directing his gaze upwards he laid eyes upon Guinevere's face, a hateful expression upon her visage. Her gaze held true contempt for him, and her mouth revealed her feelings of disgust, and the wrinkles between her brow revealed her feelings of anger._

" _It's all your fault. How dare you set foot within these walls when the blood of Arthur is upon your hands? You disgust me, returning here and selfishly milking sympathy out of everyone by spilling your silly, selfish tears for everyone to see. All you want is attention, and you're using Arthur's death in order to gain it. You disgust me, Merlin. Such a poor excuse for a friend. Left when Arthur needed you most. Herb gathering.. Pah! Even you could make a better excuse than that. It is your fault that he is dead. I hate you, and I wish you would drop dead." Guinevere spat out towards him, each word leaving her lips holding the lethality of poison. The look upon her face was enough to make it feel like he was being stabbed repeatedly in the chest. If he could have cried he would, but his body refused. He was huddled into a pile on the ground, unable to defend himself against the words Guinevere spoke, unable to relay his feeling, unable to move his body._

 _His gaze trailed away from Guinevere, his gaze landing upon Gaius. Another stabbing sensation was felt in his chest as he laid eyes upon the expression on his mentors face. Contempt. He was making no effort in helping, he was simply watching from the sidelines, harshly judging him with his gaze._

Merlin jolted awake with a shout, sitting himself upright as Gaius came barging into his room.

"Merlin!" he called out, an expression of terror upon his face, which quickly faded to one of concern.

"I'm sorry Gaius.. I had a nightmare" Merlin murmured towards the elderly man. His hand moved towards his forehead, moving to run his hand lightly through his hair, only to discover that he was soaked in sweat. Gaius approached, taking a seat on the edge of his bed, moving to place a hand upon his shoulder, before another moved towards his forehead. Gaius' brows visibly furrowed before he retracted his hand.

"You're burning up, my boy. Let me get you something for your fever." Gaius spoke, patting at his shoulder lightly before he moved out of his chambers. Not long after Gaius returned, moving to place a tincture inside his hands.

"It will help take the worst of the edge off your fever." Gaius explained, his eyes clearly trailing over his facial features and expression. Without question Merlin downed the tincture he had been given, whilst resisting the urge to gag at the taste.

"Tastes like cat piss.." Merlin murmured, upon which Gaius raised a brow.

"And how would you know what cat piss tastes like?"

"Long story.." Merlin muttered in response, a brief grin appearing on his face, which faded away nearly as quickly as it had appeared.

"Do you wish to tell me about this nightmare of yours, Merlin?"

"No. I don't remember it anymore." Merlin lied. It had only been a nightmare, and Gaius didn't need anything else to worry about, especially not his stupid, unrealistic dream.

None of that would ever happen, he was sure of it.

Gaius offered him an understanding nod, patting his shoulder briefly as he rose up to his feet.

"Supper is almost ready. It's your favourite."

"I'll be there in a few. Thank you."

"You have nothing to thank me for, my boy." was Gaius' response, as he disappeared out of the door.

' _No. I have everything to thank you for.'_

Upon leaving his room, Merlin laid his gaze upon Guinevere, and although it had merely been a dream, he could feel the blood in his veins turn into ice. He had nothing to be afraid of. It was _**Guinevere**_ , and she looked at him with a saddened and tired expression, not contempt and disgust. Not to mention there was an outstanding lack of guards there.

"Gwen!" Merlin let out, making an attempt at a cheerful tone in a pitiful attempt at regaining some form of normality. He jolted down the steps, regretting his actions as he felt light-headed after the sudden movement. His gaze trailed towards the table, noticing that this was infact not Gaius' cooking, but food from the kitchen. Three plates to be exact.

"Merlin. I hope you don't mind, but I wish to dine with the two of you tonight." Guinevere spoke, pressing forth a soft, yet saddened smile.

"I don't mind at all" he was swift to reply, making an attempt at yet another cheerful grin.

The swift glance exchanged between Gaius and Guinevere eluded him.

He had full understanding for Guinevere wanting to dine with them. Afterall, she was alone. Alone for the first time in a long while. Though, he hoped that she didn't feel alone, because at the end of it all, they still had eachother.

During the meal, Guinevere and Gaius were both remarkably quiet. Merlin was chatting casually, making attempts at jokes and _acting_ like everything was back to normal. However, holding a conversation was difficult when the other party offered little to no response, and soon Merlin fell quiet himself, focusing on pushing the carrots around on his plate, barely touching his food.

Guinevere and Gaius exchanged glances again, and Guinevere nodded softly with her head.

The two turned to face Merlin, Gaius now clearing his throat.

"Merlin. We need to speak with you."

 ****Bit of a 'cliffhanger' here. Just seemed like a good place to end this entry! Won't take long for the next one chapter to come out, though!****


	4. Mourning (Part 3)

Chapter Two Continuation

Merlin glanced between the two with a great deal of uncertainty, setting the fork down onto the plate, an expression of confusion appearing on his face.

"What's the matter?" he questioned, his hands now folding together in his lap. Judging by the look on their faces, it was something that was troubling them greatly. Something that had caused them a great deal of pain, and probably still did.

"Merlin." Gaius begun, pausing lightly. "Gwaine is.. no longer with us." Gaius hesitated lightly as spoke, examining his wards facial expression intently. "He set out after Morgana with Percival after a spy was discovered in our court. He was taken captive and evidently.. tortured. She wanted to know where you and Arthur were headed. Gwaine passed away as a result of what Morgana did to him."

Merlin sunk together where he sat, a pale colour washing over his face as he peered straight down into his place. The little appetite he had had previously was now completely gone. "Gwaine.." he murmured lowly, biting at his lower lip as his mind moved to process the information.

"When.. is his memorial taking place?" Merlin muttered, his gaze not leaving the place of now cold food that sat before him.

"It was already held." Guinevere spoke, sadness carried with her voice. "We.." she continued, pausing lightly with hesitation "We did not know when you would return. I am sorry that you were unable to be there, Merlin. And I am sorry for not telling you this before.." she spoke, biting back tears that threatened to push their way forwards.

Merlin merely shook his head. "I understand. I wouldn't have told me either." he murmured lowly, now feeling a hand placed upon his shoulder, as an arm proceeded to wrap around his back from the other side. It was comforting, feeling the presence of two whom cared greatly for him. He felt blessed to have two people care for him to such extent.

"He was a good man.. and a good friend, one of the best friends a man could ever have. I am glad that I got to know him, but I just wish that I had gotten to spend more time with him." Merlin spoke, choking lightly on the words. He moved his sleeves up to wipe away the tears that escaped his eyes.

"I don't know what I would have done if you two weren't here. I owe you both so much. You mean more to me than you could ever know." he spoke, a tearful smile being directed towards the two.

The loss of Gwaine felt like a dagger was being twisted into his heart, but he couldn't let himself break again.

Gwaine and Arthur wouldn't have let him hear he end of it had they been here now. But then again, the reason for why he was feeling this way was because of the fact that they were no longer with them.

* * *

Nightfall came, and through the cracks of his door he could hear light sobs, muffled and choked, as if whoever was crying was attempting to do so in silently, probably afraid of waking the only other person that was residing in this part of the castle. The only person that would be there was Gaius.

Merlin understood now how Gaius managed to remain so strong during the day. Gaius seemed to find release for his emotions at night, when everyone was sound asleep, or rather should have been asleep.

Merlin peered up towards the ceiling, listening to the sound of his mentor, feeling his heart break even further, but before Merlin managed to decide as to wether or not he should speak to him now, the sobbing died down and chambers fell silent.

He had cried himself to sleep. It shouldn't be this way. It simply wasn't right. He would have to speak with him in the morning. Try to have the elderly man open up to him. No man should have to endure these things on his own. It was his turn to offer comfort to his mentor. Hopefully he'd accept, instead of stubbornly refusing Merlin's attempts. He'd find out in the morning.

As he begun to doze off, a voice echoed through his mind, causing him to open his eyes once more.

 _'They all hate you. If Guinevere knew the truth about you, she'd have you burned at the stake.'_

Guinevere still didn't know about his magic. He had almost forgotten. She also didn't know about Morgana. How was he going to tell her without revealing everything to her. She would hardly believe that _Merlin_ would have been able to defeat a High Priestess of the Old Religion on his own, would she?

He had only been back in Camelot for a day. It had been a long day. Far too long. Tomorrow would likely be equally as long. He would most likely have to speak of what had happened on their journey to Avalon. If he was lucky, he'd only have to speak to Guinevere and Gaius about it. If he was unlucky, he'd end up having to adress the entirety of the round table.

He remembered Arthur's initial reaction to his magic. It had been so painful, being loathed by his best friend for something he never had any control over. He wasn't ready for something like that again. If he had to tell Guinevere about it, he didn't know what would happen. He hoped that she would be understanding, perhaps only banish him instead of burning him at the stake.

He now found himself wide awake, his mind racing with questions he could not answer. Would he be executed if she found out? Banished? Would he lose all his friends? Would he be hunted like his father Balinor once had? Would he end up living the rest of his days in a cave? Maybe she'd hang him, or chop his head off, instead of burning him.

But she was _Guinevere_. She would never do such things, would she? She'd atleast give him a chance to explain himself, explain why he hid for so long, and why he continued to use his magic even though it could get him killed.

He tossed over to his side, staring into the wall with a soft frown upon his face. She didn't have to know about his magic. He'd be able to find a way to speak of what had happened without including anything related to his powers. He always found a way, and now would be no different.

Even so, despite his conclusion, sleep continued to elude him until the thick darkness outside begun to lift. He only gained a few hours of sleep, riddled with nightmares before he was woken by Gaius.

And just like that, another day was upon them.


	5. Healing (Part 1)

**_**Don't forget to leave reviews! I love hearing your thoughts and opionions about this story as it is my first fanfic! Also, a huge thank you to the ones who left a review. It really brightened my day and inspired me to keep writing! So here you go, a new chapter!**_**

 _Chapter three: Healing(part 1)_

Gaius gestured for Merlin to take a seat at the table as he exit out of his chambers. Breakfast was nearly finished, and the elderly man had already set the table. As he brought the pot of porridge towards the table, he posed a quick and simple question.

"Did you sleep well, my boy?"

Merlin shrugged lightly as he took a seat at the table. "Had better sleep, but i've also had worse" he spoke in response.

"Ah. I was worried that you were unable to sleep at all. You won't be able to function properly if you do not get enough sleep." Gaius stated as he himself took a seat opposite to Merlin. He begun to fill Merlin's bowl as he continued to speak.

"You didn't wash last night. There's some water over there, so you can wash once you've _finished_ your food." he spoke, putting some emphasis on the word ' _finished'._

Merlin nodded his head lightly, shoveing a spoonfull of porridge into his mouth, almost demonstratively. It felt normal. Like everything was as it had always been, as if nothing had changed. And for a moment, the events of the last week slipped from Merlin's mind. It was when he had realized how high the sun was in the skies.

"I'm late!" he burst out, prompting a mildly shocked expression to appear on Gaius' face. "For what, may I ask?" Gaius questioned, although he feared that he already knew the answer. "I must go and wake Arth-.." Merlin begun, biting at his lower lip as his voice ebbed out towards the end of the last word. This state of normality had made him briefly forget, as if everything that had happened had merely been one long, bad dream. "He would've been late for his training session with the knights" Merlin murmured, Arthur's schedule still quite clearly ingrained in his mind. "And afterwards.." he begun, stopping himself as he now stared blankly down towards the porridge.

In silence he lifted the spoon and brought it to his mouth, taking another mouthful. He ignored the worried look upon his mentors face.

"Merlin.." Gaius begun, hesitating slightly. "My boy. It will get easier in time. One day, you'll be able to think of him and not feel a striking pain in your soul, but feel a sense of fondness at the memories the two of you shared." he spoke, counselling and offering words of wisdom to his ward.

The young warlock furrowed his brows lightly, biting back a few words that he knew that he would have regretted the moment they left his mouth. He knew that Gaius was right.

"Are you going to talk to me about the fact that you cried yourself to sleep last night, Gaius?" Merlin finally spoke, lifting his gaze up from the porridge and towards the face of his mentor. He could see the lines on his face visibly deepening at his question.

"No." was Gaius' short reply, his gaze diverting down towards the bowl that sat before him, the elderly man shifting through the porridge with his spoon, before scooping some into the utensil.

Merlin realized that perhaps he'd have had an easier time, had he posed the question with a bit more tact. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he managed to even say a single word, he was cut off by his mentor.

"No, Merlin." he spoke, as if he knew what the young warlock was about to say. "I do not wish to discuss it now, and you can not convince me otherwise." was the stubborn addition from the old physician, effectively ending the conversation before it had even begun.

The lines on Gaius' face still remained visibly deepened, and a deafening silence fell over the room. Merlin suspected that he had attempted to establish a sense of normality on his first full day back in camelot, and normality did not allow such conversations this early in the morning, if at all.

The silence was broken by Gaius.

"I need you to run to the lower town for me and deliver some draughts and tinctures to a few patients once you've washed and finished your food. It shouldn't take long."

Chores. That confirmed his suspicions as well. Gaius was being strong, and wanted to give him something stable and familliar to fall back on, even if it meant that he'd have to shove his own grief and sorrow to the back of his mind, and deal with it late at night, on his own.

"Right. Will do." Merlin stated in response, making note of the fact that Gaius' features softened considerably at his reply.

"Good, good. Afterwards I am sure Guinevere would like to see you. Surely she must have something she needs your assistance with. If not, you could always clean out my leech tank. It hasn't had a proper cleaning in ages." Gaius added.

Merlin hid his expression of concern, offering up a stale and almost protesting expression instead. "Anything but the leech tank" he murmured. If this was what Gaius needed, then Merlin would give it to him. The feeling that everything was normal, and as it should be.

Merlin finished up his porridge, despite his appetite or lack there of. He rose to his feet heading towards the bucket as Gaius spoke once again. "I also need you to pick up a few supplies when you're down in the lower town. The list is on the table over there." Gaius spoke, nudging his head lightly in it's direction.

"Sure." was the response from the young warlock.

"Thank you." was heard from Gaius, thought the way it was spoken, and through the emphasis on the words, he was certain that Gaius was thanking him for more than simply running errands. It brought a small smile upon his face.

"It's the least I could do." Merlin spoke, glancing back towards Gaius and giving him a knowing glance.

It truly did feel normal, and it surely helped take his mind off some of the things that had kept him awake in the night. He supposed that everyone mourned differently, experienced and worked through grief in a different manner than those around them.

Some would do better with expressing their grief, and mourning openly, even if they didn't want to.

Others fared better if they had someone else to share their pain with, without showing their grief to many others. Guinevere was likely to be this type. She had always been one of the most caring individuals he had ever met.

Then there were the ones who best dealt with grief on their own, without the support of others. The ones who remained strong for others, at their own expense. Gaius was undoubtedly this type, perhaps due to his age and all the things he had seen. But who knew, perhaps he had always been this way. Merlin himself fell somewhere among all three categories, or so he thought himself. Perhaps he was just poor at putting himself into a category like that.

After washing, he made his way through the door, setting course towards the lower town, Gaius' list being shoved down into his pockets as he strided down the spiralling staircase. If he didn't think too much, then everything just seemed _normal._ He knew better though, things would never be normal again. But the least he could do was pretend, for Gaius' sake.


	6. Healing (Part 2)

_Chapter three continuation_

Merlin moved through the castle gates, and in no time at all he was standing in the middle of the road in the lower town. He came to a halt, releasing his breath before he´d then inhale deeply, breathing in the scents of Camelot. It smelled like home, and although it certainly wasn´t the best smelling place, it held a scent he had grown to appreciate in the years he had been living here. He must have zoned out, as he was jolted back to reality by an angry shout from behind him.

"Oy! Mova ya' tardy buttocks outta 'ta road, ya' baffoon!"

Merlin swirled around, stumbling out of the brutish looking man's path. "Sorry!" Merlin spoke out in an apologetic voice, and only received an annoyed grunt in response by the man, who seemed to be pulling some heavy building stones after him. This was home, there was no denying that. He was surprised at how normal everything was, despite the fact nothing would truly ever be normal again. He continued to idle for a few moments, simply watching the crowds pass by, before he eventually decided to do what he came here in order to do. Getting out and about actually helped him mentally, who would have thought? He supposed that Gaius was right about something once again. Though, there was this gnawing feeling of guilt lurching in the back of his mind, accompanied with his troubled feelings. They were all simply pushed aside for now, the young warlock having some chores to take care of. He'd drop off the tinctures and draughts first, and then fetch Gaius' supplies afterwards.

He raised his hand and knocked twice on a wooden door, rocking back and forth lightly on the soles of his feet as he waited for the individual that resided within to open up the door. The person on the other side was a familiar figure, and a chatterbox at that. Delivering a single tincture took up fifteen minutes of his time, as he found himself caught up in this elderly woman's chatter, not seeming to find the opportunity to speak at a single point in the extremely one-sided conversation. Apparently, the woman believed him to be Gaius' grandson, that he looked just like his mother, that he simply had the most pinch-able cheeks in the world, and then she had to point out the fact that he needed some more meat on his bones. The woman swore that she adored Gaius' wife so incredibly much, and that she was the gentlest soul in the world, and that his mother resembled her father so much. He had wished to correct her on so many things, but never found the opportunity in order to do so. And besides it all, she was a very old woman who was going a bit 'loony' in the head, according to her neighbours and passer-by's. He supposed that it could not be helped. Merlin secretly hoped that not every stop would result in fifteen minutes of chatter each time. He'd likely miss out on lunch if it did.

As he walked through the lower town he eventually came to the realisation that the people had still not learned of the death of their beloved king. Everyone was simply going about their daily business, tending to whatever their lives had in store for them. He also realised at that point that the death of their king did not directly affect them the same way it affected him. Sure, he would be deeply missed by his people, but as long as they had someone to lead them, they would carry on with their lives, almost seeming to be a bit indifferent. He wasn't sure if this fact bothered him greatly, or helped to ease his mind a little. He supposed that the people had not known the king to the same extent that he himself had known him. Half-way down the road to the second stop he came to a halt again, glancing around and watching the townsfolk go by. Camelot would live on without Arthur. It felt like a few needles were jabbed into his chest as he stood there. A man with such a great destiny as Arthur had been lost, and yet the world would just keep going on as if nothing had happened. Once the period of mourning was finished, every single person living here would go back to their normal lives, the only big difference to them being the fact that they now had a new ruler. He didn't understand why this realisation struck him as hard as it had, for he had seen the passing of a king before, and he had seen how the town had been not long afterwards. He shouldn't have been feeling this hurt about it.

"Oy, ya' bafoon! Ya' blocking ta' road again!" a familiar voice shouted at him from behind. He moved out of the way, murmuring a small "Sorry." as the same brutish man passed him once again, this time dragging different objects along with him. His previous energy was now gone, and the young warlock simply dragged his feet after him as dark thoughts churned through his mind, sapping him dry of everything that made a person function.

In a bit of a daze he delivered the remaining tinctures and draughts, heading off to the market place afterwards in order to procure Gaius' supplies. The few people he encountered that he knew begun to murmur amongst themselves upon noting the gloomy expression and energy that was now Merlin. Where he was normally cheery and welcoming, he was now looking depressed and closed off to those that surrounded him. His ears could pick up on the name 'Arthur', which lead the young warlock to draw the conclusion that they had realised the reason for his current demeanour.

The spiralling staircase seemed longer than ever as he made his way back to the physician's chambers carrying the supplies in his arms. He pushed the door open, only to find that Gaius had headed out for his rounds whilst he had been gone. ' _Guess I took longer than expected_ ' Merlin thought silently to himself as he set the supplies down on whatever free space he found in the cluttered room. He needed to go see Guinevere, but he could allow himself a few moments to himself before seeking her out. He trekked up the few steps leading to his room, before he plopped down onto his bed, belly first, releasing a soft groan as he did so. Turning his head he directed his glance towards the window, peering up towards the blue skies. Not even the skies shed tears for Arthur any longer. Was everything really going to carry on without him, as if he had never really existed in the first place? He frowned deeply at the thought, remaining flat out on the bed for now.

He really needed to go see Guinevere though. They couldn't announce the passing of their King before they knew what had truly happened. He still hadn't figured out what to say in order to leave out the fact that he had used magic to aid them on their journey. He also needed to include the fact that Morgana was now dead as well. He didn't know if Guinevere would be relieved or saddened by the news. Morgana had been her friend at one point, many years ago.

He sat up onto the bed and decided that he had wasted enough time. Guinevere deserved to know what had happened to her husband, and stalling any longer than he already had would only make him feel even more guilty.

It was time to find Guinevere.

 ****Sorry for the delay between chapters! I simply haven't been able to write as i've been away from home. I'll try to keep them coming on a daily basis though! I'll do my best to get the next part up tomorrow, so bear with me :)****


	7. Healing (Part 3)

****Next chapter, just as promised! Thank you all for reading so far! We've got a whooping 600 views on this story! It simply blows my mind. There´s likely only six or seven updates left now as each day seems to be averaging three to four chapters, could very well turn out to me much more though!****

Chapter Three Continuation

Merlin shuffled himself out of his room and down the steps. His gaze trailed across the physicians chambers as he made his way towards the door at a surprising velocity. One could almost be lead to believe that he was in a hurry to get to his intended destination, which he truly wasn't. He simply needed to get going before he managed to change his mind about it. His mind raced with thoughts on what he should say, how he should present what had happened, and how Guinevere would react to his explanations, and not to mention the lies he would surely be telling her. He never enjoyed lying, but as long as he had to keep hiding who he was, then he'd have to keep on lying. It almost felt like he was abusing the trust of his friends every time he told a lie, no matter how small and insignificant it may be.

He stepped out of the door, making his way down the spiralling staircase, jogging down the steps as a figure quickly appeared on the way up. Merlin slammed his back against the wall in an effort to avoid the individual, whom he now recognised as Percival, before he realised that he had lost his footing, and would be on the way to tumbling down the rest of the steps should nothing stop him. Percival had a rather shocked expression on his face as the events unfolded, but before Merlin managed to fall the knight reached out and grasped a firm hold of his upper arm. Had he reacted any slower, then Merlin would've found himself at the bottom of the staircase in a great deal of pain, if the fall hadn't broken his neck that is.

"Percival!" Merlin let out, an expression of relief appearing on his face, where there had been a fearful expression a mere moment before. Through the assistance of the knight Merlin now had solid footing beneath his feet, and he couldn't even express how grateful he was for Percival's timely rescue.

"You need to be more careful, Merlin. You were rushing." The bulky knight spoke, prompting a nod and a small smile from Merlin, accompanied of an awkward rub at the back of his head with his hand. "Yeah. I was actually going to find Gwen" Merlin explained, noting the small nod the knight made with his head. "Guinevere is in a council meeting now." was the response from Percival. Merlin figured that the conversation with Guinevere could wait, until Percival spoke again. "She wants you there, Merlin."

Merlin offered up a slightly dumbfounded expression at the last addition. "She sent you to go find me?" Percival merely shook his head lightly. "I offered." A brief moment of silent passed as Merlin processed some thoughts. "Are all the knights of the round table present in the council meeting?" was the question the young warlock wearily posed to the knight, a lump forming in his stomach as he could predict the answer. As Percival nodded, Merlin felt sick to his stomach. Was Guinevere really going to have him talk about what happened in front of everyone at once?

"We should go." Percival spoke, his brows furrowing lightly at Merlin's hesitation. Merlin merely nodded to the knight, following after him in silence. He wasn't ready for this, but he couldn't wiggle his way out of this situation any longer. Not with Percival here. Any guard, sure. He could come up with reasons for why he couldn't go there right now, or he could slip himself away and hide somewhere until the meeting was over. But he simply couldn't bring himself to lie to Percival, or play tricks on him and then cause him needless worry.

"Percival." Merlin spoke as he came to a halt in the hallway. The council room was just around the corner. "I'm not feeling too well, so if you could just give me a moment." he murmured, nearly too low for the Knight to properly hear. Percival glanced back towards Merlin, furrowing his brows lightly again. "Are you nervous?"

"Something like that.." Merlin murmured again as a response.

"Why?"

"I'm just not ready." he replied.

"For what?"

"The things that are happening in there." Merlin explained.

"It's just a council meeting." Percival reassured. "Haven't you done this many times before?" Merlin merely nodded, furrowing his brows lightly. Percival approached the young warlock, moving to place a hand on his back. "Come on." The knight spoke, moving to guide Merlin forwards and towards the council room, and before Merlin had the chance to object any further, Percival pushed open the doors to the room, causing all heads to turn in their direction. He shut his mouth and followed Percival inside, his glance landing upon Guinevere and the small smile he had on her lips. He trailed his gaze over the crowds, noticing an all too familiar wrinkled face within the group. Had Gaius known about this meeting? He felt like he was being forced into a situation he was not ready for not wished to be in. And he really had no say in the matter. He could feel all eyes on him as Percival guided him forwards, before abandoning him in front of Guinevere with the council and knights standing behind him.

Merlin kept his gaze averted from Guinevere and everyone else.

"Merlin. As you were the only person present, would you offer confirmation to the council members and the knights of the round table regarding King Arthur, and what occurred to him?" Guinevere spoke, her gaze set upon him, clearly wearing the mask she wore whenever she attended to official business. She didn't ask for him to relay all the details of what occurred, merely offer confirmation from a direct and trusted eye-witness to the fact that their King had in fact passed away. He assumed at that point that it was nothing but a formality.

Bowing his head further, Merlin then proceeded to speak. "King Arthur Pendragon passed away due to the injuries he sustained at the Battle of Camlann. He passed away a week ago today, your majesty." His voice trembled at he spoke, nearly choking on the words, and as he finished mutters begun to spread through the group of council men. "How are we to trust the words of a single servant?" someone finally spoke up. "Why was not the King brought back to Camelot in order to receive medical treatment for his injuries?" another added, lengthening the list of questions that was circulating the room. Those questions however were very valid ones, and Merlin fought back the lump that was forming in his throat.

"That is enough!" Guinevere barked out, causing the council members to fall silent. "Merlin here is, and has always been one of Camelot's most trustworthy and loyal individuals. He always held King Arthur in high regard, and he has many times put his life on the line to aid and protect our king. To me, his word is confirmation enough, and it should be the same way to the rest of you as well. We have yet to learn the exact details of King Arthur's passing, but in time we will." She spoke, her voice as harsh as it could ever be. And still, it sounded nowhere as harsh as it had in that nightmare he had before.

"What matters now is that Camelot is now without a King, and we are vulnerable to Morgana should she decide to assault the Citadel. We must also inform the people, and the proper ceremonies must take place in order to mark the death of our King." Guinevere continued.

Merlin shuffled himself off to the side of the room, positioning himself besides Gaius, who placed a comforting and reassuring hand upon his shoulder.

"But what of the Royal Seal? King Arthur's body was never brought back to Camelot, the seal may very well be lost." A council man spoke, voicing his concern.

"King Arthur ensured that the Royal Seal was delivered to me before his passing." Guinevere replied. "That would make you heir to the throne, Your Majesty." The council man let out, and upon this statement, Guinevere merely nodded. "That is correct. As long as the Knights stand by me, I will be claiming the throne. However, should they object.. I will not rule a kingdom that does not wish for me to be their Queen." She spoke, revealing her true colours as she trailed her gaze towards the knights. Guinevere would always do what she deemed was right, and attempting to force loyalty or claiming the throne of a kingdom that did not wish for her would never be something she would do.

"You have the full support of the Knights of Camelot, My Queen." Sir Leon spoke, speaking on behalf of all the other knights. Their silence proved that there would be no objections.

"Then there will be a Coronation held once the proper respects have been paid to our late King." A different council man spoke, a sound of approval filling the room. Even through it all, there were worried expressions upon their faces. Likely caused by the threat of Morgana, and the current lack of a leader to guide them. Merlin simply could hold his no more.

"Morgana is dead." Merlin abruptly spoke out. He couldn't bear to see Guinevere worry, not in addition to everything else. He'd likely never find the right moment to reveal these news, so now would be as good as any.

He could feel all eyes on him again, as the council men released sounds of shock. Guinevere herself stared at him, an expression of shock upon her face as well. There didn't seem to be a single person in the room who wasn't shocked at this revelation. Understandably so, it's not like anybody knew much of anything, besides the fact that their king had passed away.

"How? What happened?" Guinevere questioned, staring intently towards Merlin.

"King Arthur killed her as one of the last things he ever did, once she came after us. The sword he had pulled from the stone managed to take her life, even though she was a High Priestess of the Old Religion. Even with death approaching, Arthur managed to defend the kingdom, and he brought peace. He is a hero, as he has always been." Merlin spoke, his voice still trembling, the lump in his throat threatening to turn into tears.

"He died a hero. He saved us all."

 ****Hope I managed to do justice to Percival's character. He's a tricky one to get right.****


	8. Healing (Part 4)

Chapter three continuation

Merlin kept his gaze averted from the individuals within the council room, selecting a spot on the ground before him, as if it was highly interesting. His words of Arthur's final acts of bravery still echoed through the room, and through the minds of everyone whom had heard the news. Nobody would question this. It was highly reasonable and believable, and perhaps, knowing his great act he wouldn't disappear into oblivion in the minds of the people, like most kings before him had. Or course, Merlin didn't have much doubts to begin with about Arthur being remembered, as he had been the greatest king Camelot had ever had, but bringing peace to the lands was not something easily overlooked. He was glad to give Arthur the honor of ridding the world of Morgana, although there was never any honor in having to take a life, no matter what that person had done, no matter how much pain they had caused. At least, to him there was no honor in such things.

He still felt conflicted about what he had done. On one hand, Morgana had brought so much pain and suffering, and she had been so consumed by bitterness and hatred. On the other hand, Morgana had once been his friend. She was Arthur's family. They had all cared greatly about her, and it pained him that he had been unable to save her from the destructive path her life had taken. In some ways, he had killed a friend, and the guilt he felt for that was as big as it had been at the time he had fooled Morgana into drinking poison. But in many other ways, he had saved so many lives, and so much heartache and grief by ending her life. He truly blamed himself for what Morgana had become, for as more time passed, the clearer the path he could have taken to prevent all of this became. He could have prevented all of this from ever happening, had he not been such a fool. Had he heeded the warnings of the dragon, had he told Morgana about his magic, then things could have been so very different.

The world around him had been completely zoned out, and as his eyes closed shut, the knowing glances exchanged between Gaius and Guinevere completely eluded him. He caught the phrase "The Witch is dead!" from one of the council men, and the celebratory tone in his voice was like a dagger. A dagger that was being twisted around in his abdomen, and he felt sick to his stomach as a result. They were celebrating her death. No matter what she had done, no death should ever be celebrated. Not the death of someone who had been a friend, but had simply gotten lost on the path that they thought to be right, without anyone to guide them in the right direction. A path that had been forced onto them by a twisted and unfair destiny. He felt guilt and shame, for he could have helped Morgana, had he only had enough faith in her to trust her with his secret. But he didn't, he deemed it too dangerous, and as a result he had caused all this pain for those around him. Him knowing Arthur's destiny had brought it to life. Trying to prevent it had only made it come true. It was all his fault.

He found himself lost in his own thoughts, the blurred sounds of celebration, relief and joy echoing in the background. He didn't register much, too consumed in a spiralling thought pattern which only brought him deeper and deeper into the minds darkest corners. And in this place, a conclusion was drawn. He had brought about Arthur's death. He had killed Arthur. He hadn't wielded the blade that had ended his life, but he had put Mordred there, with the blade in hand. Everything that happened had been a result of his poor, foolish choices.

Before his mind ventured any deeper, he was snapped out by a quick shake of his shoulders. He wasn't in the council room any longer. He was laying on the bed in the physician's chambers. His eyes focused on a familiar face.

"Gaius.." he groaned out, now registering a pulsating pain in the back of his head. "What happened?" he muttered making an effort to sit up in the bed, receiving assistance in doing so by an unknown figure. By turning his head he identified this figure as being Guinevere. "Gwen.." he let out, and by the concerned look on her face, he begun to connect the dots.

"You fainted, my boy. I dare say from dehydration, stress and lack of rest" Gaius spoke, practically pushing a cup into his wards hand. Merlin smacked his lips lightly, realising just how thirsty he truly was.

"When was the last time you had anything proper to drink, Merlin? Not to mention, when was the last time you slept properly?" Guinevere asked, "You had me so worried, Merlin. You were so pale, and you didn't respond. I feared the worst. I could not bear to lose you as well." She spoke, voicing her worries to the Young Warlock.

Merlin folded both hands around the cup, glancing down towards the water within. "I am sorry, Gwen. I did not mean to worry you. It's the last thing I'd ever want to do. You have enough on your plate, and I don't want to add to your list of problems and worries. I'm sorry." He spoke, offering her a slightly sheepish and defeated smile, before he lifted the cup to his mouth, taking gentle sips of water.

"I'd worry less if you talked to me, Merlin" She begun, pausing lightly. "I hate seeing you this hurt, it pains me because I know what you're going through. I know because I am going through the same, but I have people around me to lean on, but you.. You try to shoulder all your burdens and grief on your own. You try to go on like you are well, when you are not." Guinevere paused, watching Merlins facial expression as his brows furrowed and he bit at his lower lip.

"I know you Merlin. The way you crack jokes and smile even when something is wrong, the way you will always put yourself last, even if you are hurting more than anyone else on the inside. I can see it in your eyes, because there's this sadness there.. This inexplainable sadness that does not disappear as you laugh or smile, or even as you go about doing your duties. You've only been back for less than two full days, but even at last nights dinner I could see it. When you talked, laughed and smiled, you still had this sadness in your eyes. The sadness you have whenever something is terribly wrong." She saw him struggle to hold back his tears, nearly tearing up herself at the sight of the pain her closest friend was in.

"You are the most selfless person I have ever met, Merlin. You never ask for anything, you just give and give, until there's nothing left to give, and then you give some more. You've never sought any credit or recognition, not even in that meeting. I know it was not Arthur who killed Morgana, I know that it was you who ended her life, and I know that you are beating yourself up over it. Gaius and I both know that Arthur was in no condition to even lift a sword properly. But I thank you, Merlin. You made him into an even greater hero in the eyes of the people. Arthur will be remembered as the greatest king Camelot has ever had, all because of you, and your endless support, devotion and loyalty to him. He was truly blessed to have had a friend like you, Merlin. We all are blessed to have you in our lives." Guinevere continued. At this point, Merlin could no longer fight back the tears, heavy sobs now escaping his body as Gaius and Guinvere both proceeded to embrace him.

He had needed to hear those words so badly. But even so, a small voice in the back of his head chimed at the fact that Guinevere did not truly know him, and that her thoughts of him would change if she ever found out the truth about him.

"Merlin. I must apologise. This old fool thought that he could help you by taking your mind off your troubles. I thought that by perhaps making things seem like they were normal, that you would have an easier time adapting. I should have known better, my boy. I am terribly sorry."

Merlin found no words, helplessly captured in this sobbing, tearful state, incapable for thinking of coherent sentences, or even physically creating sounds. The three embraced and shed tears together, now doing so in silence. He felt their support and affection, and for the first time in a long while, he no longer felt alone. He felt cared for, like he could fully open up and let others see his deepest, darkest place, and perhaps they could be the light that would scare the darkness away from his mind.

"I blame myself for his death, as I blame myself for Morgana's. I could have prevented it, had I only made the right choices. My failure has left the blood of so many people on my hands, and it won't ever wash out." He let out in-between sobs.

"No, no. You can not ever blame yourself, Merlin. Nothing is your fault. Morgana chose her path herself. You did all that you could, she wouldn't see reason." Guinevere reassured, gently placing a hand on the side of Merlin's face.

He shook his head profusely.

"No, you don't understand! I have known that Morgana would bring about his downfall. I knew what Mordred would do! But all my attempts at preventing things from happening, just resulted in it all coming true. I put those people there. My actions caused everything! I've only made mistakes, after mistakes, after mistakes. I thought I was doing the right thing, by pushing them away, rejecting them. All this time, all the lies I had to tell, trying to protect Arthur. The Great Dragon wanted me to let them both die, but I just couldn't stand by and watch my friends pass away, knowing that I could have helped them. And when Mordred came, I pushed him away, knowing what he would do, but that only drove him to do what his destiny had foretold. Had I only trusted Morgana all those years ago, she would never have turned to this. All the blood from everyone who has died is on my hands, and my hands alone! I am to blame! My weakness and my mistakes killed Arthur! My hand did not drive a sword into his body, but my poor choices did!" Merlin let out in a rush, spilling his heart out without thinking of the consequences.

"Merlin.. You couldn't have known.. You were only trying to do what was right. No one will judge you for that. You are only human, Merlin, just like the rest of us." Guinevere spoke, before she found herself interrupted.

He wasn't like the rest of them. He knew this all too well. He wanted Guinevere to hate him the way he currently hated himself. He wanted his self-hatred to feel justified. And before he could stop himself, words slipped out of his mouth, words he would regret the moment they had been spoken out loud.

"I have magic, Gwen!"

His gut twisted and it felt like his heart stopped in his chest. The second from his statement to her response felt like an eternity. Would she call the guards, would she express hatred now? He wanted her to react with hatred and anger. He craved acceptance so badly, but still he only wished for hatred and disgust. His dark place was growing in size, threatening to overwhelm his entire mind as Guinevere's voice broke him free, and repelled the dark and shone light into his soul.

"I know. And I still mean every single word of what I just said."

 ****I think this 'chapter' might last another update, before we'll be moving onto the fourth 'chapter' of this story. This has been the longest one so far, so I hope you like it!****


	9. Healing (Part 5)

Chapter three continuation

He stared at Guinevere with disbelief in his eyes. She knew? How long had she known? How did she find out? So many questions begun to circulate through his mind at this unexpected revelation. His gaze turned towards Gaius, upon which he noticed a somewhat sheepish smirk upon his face. "You knew." Merlin let out, in an almost accusing tone. "Well, what can I say? She realised on her very own after the battle of Camlann. She simply asked for my confirmation, though I must say that she was very discreet about it when she did." Gaius replied, directing a brief glance towards Guinevere. Merlin then proceeded to twirl his head towards Guinevere again, examining her expression.

"Don't worry, Merlin. I will not punish you. I want to thank you, for remaining by Arthur's side, and for what you did for us at Camlann." She spoke, a hand moving to wipe away her own tears as a soft smile appeared on her face. "If not for you, the battle would have been lost. So thank you, Merlin, for everything you've done." She tightly embraced the young warlock.

"I was so worried. Worried about what would happen if you found out. Arthur he.. He couldn't even look at me after I told him. Not for a while at least. I thought it would be the same with you, that you'd feel like I betrayed you. I thought that you would hate me for who I am, for what I am." Merlin explained, feeling like a thousand pounds had just been lifted off his shoulders. He was so relieved. He thought that he would have to hide forever, that those he cared for would never know the truth about him. But Guinevere knew, and she had known since before his return to Camelot. Everything she had said, and done.. She had supported him so much, even though she knew. She accepted him.

"I may know, Merlin, but nobody else except the ones in this room right now does. The hearts of the people has been so blackened with the thought of how evil magic is. But I know that magic is not evil, it's like a sword. And a sword is no more evil than magic, nor are the men who wield them. But the people, they will not see it the same way. I know you've been hiding for so long Merlin, but I have to ask for you to keep your secret hidden for a while longer." Guinevere spoke with a hushed tone, casting a glance towards the door of the physicians chambers.

"I understand, Gwen. I don't want to put you in a position where you'd have to choose" Merlin spoke, nodding his head lightly. And then his mind ticked lightly. A while longer.. Did Guinevere mean for him to reveal himself at some point?

"A while longer?" He murmured, sending a questioning glance towards Guinevere. "Once the time is right, and the people have learned to accept magic, I feel that it is only right to bring magic back to the lands. But this is still ways off, and may very well take many years." Guinevere stated, a small smile upon her face. "You've proved that Magic can be used for good, and that sorcerers can be kind of heart, loyal and trustworthy, Merlin. It is only right."

Words could not begin to express how much joy those words brought with them. "But Arthur.." Merlin began, eyes set on Guinevere. "Arthur would have done the same as I, because of you and all you've done for this Kingdom. I know it deep in my heart, that this is the right thing." The three individuals in the room shared smiles for a while, until they were disturbed by a few of the knights entering to check up on Merlin. As a result the conversation and exchange between the three was cut short, but it had been very helpful for all parties, especially for Merlin. He felt accepted.

Of course, Gaius refused to let him out of bed before he had gotten some proper rest, and he practically force-fed water to Merlin, going on about how important it was to stay hydrated. The knights and Guinevere soon left in order to attend to their respective duties, and not before long Gaius himself disappeared in order to complete his rounds, which had been interrupted due to the council meeting. Merlin found himself alone at this point, forbidden from leaving bed, with the task of drinking water and getting rest. He chugged some water down, laid flat out onto his back and stared up towards the ceiling, letting his mind wander. A hand moved back, rubbing the bump on the back of his head lightly, letting out a small wince as he did so. His body felt light, all his burdens no longer weighing him down so heavily. He could let his mind drift without fearing that his thoughts brought him to a dark place he couldn't escape on his own.

Arthur's death still weighed heavily on his mind, and he deeply missed his closest and best friend. Not a single day went by without Arthur being on his mind. Every single waking moment he thought about him in some way or form. But Guinevere's acceptance of his magic, her understanding of everything that had happened helped him more than anyone could begin to understand. He didn't feel alone any longer, even though Arthur was no longer here with him. But going back to normal? It still felt too wrong.

He wished to see his mother, to travel back to Ealdor and spend some time there. He had been gone for so long, and after everything that had happened these last few weeks.. He decided to speak with Gaius and Guinevere, tell them about what he wanted to do. He knew that Guinevere would need his support here in Camelot, so he would obviously return from Ealdor. And besides, it's not like he would leave before Arthur's ceremonies had been finished.

He must have drifted off to sleep, for he awoke when Gaius nudged him and placed a bowl of soup and some bread within his hands. Night had fallen, and yet light was radiating from the outside, through the windows of the castle. Merlin rose to his feet, much to Gaius' dismay. He set the bowl down on the window ledge and peered outside and down into the courtyard, laying his eyes on an ocean of lit candles filling the grounds. He couldn't even begin to count all the people who stood below, however the candles they held were enough to light up the dark night.

"It's for Arthur." Gaius spoke from behind, causing Merlin to glance over his shoulder. "The people have learned of their King's passing, and they have come to pay their final respects as well as show their appreciation for his heroic actions. They are also standing there to show their solidarity with the Queen." He explained to the young warlock, setting a hand upon his shoulder.

"You know, I worried for some time if the people would forget him, that he'd disappear into oblivion" Merlin spoke, his gaze set onto the crowds of people that stood below. "But I don't worry about that any more. He will always be remembered, just like Kilgarrah said." He stated, shoving some bread into his mouth and downing it with some of the soup, watching the people with a thoughtful gaze. "His story will be remembered long in the minds of men. And in Albion's greatest time of need, he will rise again. It's his destiny. I just hope to live long enough to see that day, to meet him again." He glanced back towards Gaius, with a smile upon his face. "I miss him, Gaius. I miss him so much."

"I know you do, my boy. We all miss him greatly."

 ****A bit short, but I felt as though this would be a good place to end this chapter! I love seeing your reviews, and I hope I am still doing the characters justice, and that I am writing this in a realistic manner. We now have a whooping 700 views as well! I am astonished!****


	10. Memories (Part 1)

Chapter Four: Memories

A new day was upon them, the first light chasing away the darkness that laid upon the lands. The city was already full of activity at dawn break, preparations already being well underway for the ceremony that was to be held on this day. The ceremony that would be held in honor of their late King. The people wore black clothing today, not a single white or coloured fabric in sight. Merlin himself was awake before dawn break. He was to spend the day at Guinevere's side, serving her in any way she would need. She had objected against the suggestion that had been made in the early morning.

"Guinevere, I want to serve at the ceremony. It will give me something to do, something useful" Merlin had spoken to Guinevere after he had sought her out. Guinevere hadn't had an expression of understanding on her face, objecting profusely to the suggestion.

"You've served for long enough as a servant, Merlin. You've been such a good friend to Arthur, and I do not wish to have you work on a day like this. I want you by my side for this Merlin, as my friend." She had stated, attempting to make Merlin see reason. "I need this Gwen. I spent so many years of my life serving Arthur. I've always been there, standing at his side, serving him. I want to do so one last time, even in his death. Please Gwen, let me serve him one last time." He had begged, desperation visible in his eyes.

Guinevere saw this, and therefore she agreed, on one condition. "Alright, Merlin. On one condition. You'll be by my side" She had stated, leaving little room for Merlin to object.

So now he made his way towards Guinevere's chambers again, carrying her breakfast on a tray as he walked down the hallway. He dodged servants who moved through the halls in a rush, nearly running into someone and dropping the food and drink to the ground. He narrowly saved himself a new trip to the kitchen, pushing open the door leading to her chambers. "It sure is hectic out there" Merlin remarked as he stepped inside the room, setting the tray down on the table. Guinevere appeared from behind the privacy screen, fully dressed with her hair already did for the events of the day. A maidservant must have been there before him. "Breakfast" Merlin spoke, gesturing to the food briefly before he trekked towards the bed, adjusting the covers and making the bed, tidying up the general area. "I must say, your chambers are much cleaner that Arthur's ever were.. I don't know if that reflects badly on me as a servant, or on Arthur, for being overly messy" Merlin chatted on as he moved about. He glanced around, realising that her chambers were practically spotless. "It must be a walk in the park to be your maidservant" he let out, turning around and catching a glimpse of the look Guinevere was sending him.

"Sorry." He let out, grinning sheepishly. "It's quite all right. Have you had anything to eat this morning?" She questioned, raising a brow. Merlin quickly nodded, averting his gaze for a brief moment as he flashed up his most innocent smile. "Yeah, of course. I wouldn't skip breakfast" he replied, pretending to feel insulted at the mere accusation.

" _Merlin._ " Guinevere said in a harsh tone, keeping her eyebrow raised in a very Gaius manner. "Ah, been spending too much time with Gaius lately?" Merlin questioned, a smirk appearing on his face. "I think he's rubbing off on you, Gwen. You raise your eyebrows just like him now." he added. At this statement Guinevere couldn't help herself but to let out a small laugh. "I suppose you are right, Merlin. How very observant of you" she smirked, as she sat down at the table, plucking away an apple, bread and some of the meats, and setting them aside on the tray for Merlin. "Now eat. You need all the strength you can get today. And thank you, for putting a smile on my face on this day where I have not much left to smile for" she spoke before she took a sip of her drink. "It's the least I could do" Merlin spoke in response, the two exchanging soft smiles between themselves. Merlin sat down across Gwen, and begun to eat the food he had been given, and together they shared a moment of silence.

The meal had finished, and Merlin scrambled to tidy up and carry the tray from her chambers. He pushed open the door and disappeared into the hallway, blending in with the masses of servants and following the stream until he had to leave i order to get to the kitchen. He deposited the tray and made his way back towards Guinevere's chambers, seeing the sunrise on his walk back to his Queen. He came to a halt, appreciating the sunrise for a few moments, sending his thoughts towards Arthur, thinking back to all the times he walked down these hallways at this time, already late, for Arthur needed to be up before sunrise. He could likely have expected some sort of object chucked his way upon waking him.

Those had been good times, and he would miss those moments dearly. In many ways, it had almost felt like they were brothers. He continued the walk back to Guinevere's chambers, his mind flooding with fond memories. The grief and sorrow was still strong in his heart, but he was now able to look back at the good times they had shared, instead of being blinded by his grief. However, each happy memory brought a feeling of sadness with it, for he would no longer be able to experience moments like those again. Or rather, he would not for a long time. Should Arthur return, and Merlin was still alive, then they could have moments like that again. It brought him some comfort.

He entered back inside Guinevere's chambers, finding her at her writing desk, clearly working on her speech for the memorial which would be held after the funeral ceremony. "Need any help? Arthur always had me help him with his speeches, or rather, completely write them after he told me what he wanted to cover. Well.. he often had me help him at least." Merlin chatted on. Guinevere looked up, casting him a quick glance. "It won't be necessary, Merlin. Actually, you should be working on your own speech." she stated.

"I'll be serving. I won't be holding a speech, Gwen." The woman smirked lightly. "You're right. I just thought that you may want to say a few words in remembrance of your friend." Merlin blinked a few times, before he shook his head.

"I already said my goodbye, Gwen. I am content with just listening."

 ****I felt very inspired today, and ended up making two entries to the story today. I hope you enjoyed the beginning of the first chapter. I am so thankful that so many of you have been reading the story so far. Thank you a bunch!****


	11. Memories (Part 2)

Chapter four continuation

Guinevere had nodded in understanding to Merlin's statement, and therefore she chose not to press the matters any further. Merlin loafed around in her chambers, doing whatever he could occupy himself with in order to pass the time as his Queen made the finishing touches to her speech. Due to the spotless nature of Guinevere's room, he found himself with little to do besides practically being force-fed water by an overly cautious Guinevere in-between the paragraphs of her speech. She didn't seem to think that Merlin drank enough water, and she had therefore made it her duty to ensure that he did, whilst he was serving her on this day. Frankly, she only referred to Merlin as a servant because he wanted it, when in reality she did everything she could to not treat him as such. Perhaps it helped the young warlock feel like he was able to do what he wanted, whilst still not having him do much at all.

Gaius stopped by briefly to scold the young man for taking up the duties of a servant less than a day after he had fainted because of stress and dehydration. "What in the world do you think you are doing, Merlin? It has not even been a full day, and you are going on as if you never fainted in the first place. I ought to have placed you on bed rest until you fully recovered!" The elderly man stated in a very judgemental tone. One could easily see how much he truly cared for Merlin, treating the young man like his son. "Do not worry, Gaius. I will ensure that he does not overwork himself. It was either this, or him going out there to aid the others in preparing the ceremony itself. I judged this to be the lesser of two evils." Guinevere reassured, casting a glance towards Merlin from the corner of her eye.

"Don't worry Gaius. Gwen has full control. I couldn't overwork myself even if I wanted to." he stated, raising his mug of water lightly in the air. "And she's practically force-feeding me water. I think I am more at risk of drowning, than I am of getting dehydrated again." Merlin joked. "Merlin!" Guinevere let out, sending him a sharp glance. He merely responded with a sheepish grin.

"Well, it is good to see that you have your sense of humour back at least" Gaius remarked, sending Merlin one of his more characteristic looks, before he disappeared back out of the door, apparently pleased with the results of this conversation. Guinevere couldn't help but to let out a short laughter, before her attention turned back to the paper, whilst Merlin's attention turned back to the mug of water he had been tasked with finishing. He moved and glanced out of the window, peering down towards all the figures scrambling across the courtyard. It had been short notice, but they couldn't wait much longer to hold this ceremony. Guinevere's coronation had been set to take place the following day, once the proper respects had been paid, as Camelot was vulnerable without an official ruler.

"Everything is happening so quickly, don't you think, Merlin?" Guinevere spoke from behind Merlin, causing the young warlock to jump in surprised. Guinevere could not help but chuckle as she muttered forth an apology.

"Everything has to happen quickly. Camelot needs you, Gwen. It's in need of it's Queen. Of course, I wish there was more time, but, It just has to be this way, I think" Merlin murmured in response, glancing back out of the window. "Judging by the sun, there's only two hours left before the ceremony is set to begin." Merlin added, glancing back towards Guinevere. "Are you ready?"

"I can never truly be ready for something like this" Guinevere expressed, making eye contact with the young man. "I can only hope that I am ready enough." she added, glancing back towards the desk and her finished speech. "Do you want to read it?" she asked, glancing back towards Merlin afterwards. He shook his head.

"I want to hear those words for the first time, along with everyone else during the Memorial. I want to feel what they feel, and be moved by your speech, and think of the same memories as they do, at the same time as them." He explained.

"I understand. I really do."

They spent the next hour talking and thinking back on everything they had experienced along with Arthur. They spoke of the first time they had met, which had also been Merlin's first time in the stocks. They spoke of how much Arthur grew, and how he started out as an arrogant pratty prince, and became the greatest king Camelot had ever known. It was a good moment, shared between two friends, in one of the most difficult times a person could ever face in their life. The memories they had all shared, the hardships they had gone through and conquered. They both remembered these moments with a great fondness, but also with sadness. A sadness caused by the realisation that they would be unable to share any more moments like these with Arthur, as he his physical form was no longer with them.

"He will always be with you, Gwen. Right there, in your heart. Even if he isn't here for us to see, hear or feel.. He will always be watching over us, and he will always be with us wherever we go. He would be so proud of you Gwen. Not just would have been, I know he was proud of you. You've been a great Queen, you follow your heart and you supported Arthur more than I think you could ever begin to realise. I know, that no matter what you do, as long as you follow your heart, then he will always view you with pride. Don't lose sight of yourself through all of this Gwen." Merlin spoke, a serious expression appearing on his face.

"You speak as if you will not be here, Merlin." Guinevere remarked, furrowing her brows lightly.

"I plan to head back to Ealdor, after today. I wish to see my mother, and I need some time. Losing Arthur left a large wound in my soul, and being here in Camelot, being constantly reminded of everything that happened.. I will return, without a doubt. This is my home after all. I simply need some time to let this wound heal." He explained, a troubled expression on his face as he did so.  
"I understand, Merlin. But why so soon?" Guinevere asked, her brows remaining furrowed.  
"I don't know. It just feels right, as if I won't be able to leave should I wait much longer."  
"Have you told Gaius?" She questioned, receiving another shake of his head as a response. "Not yet. I will though, when I find the right moment."

A maidservant knocked on the door, and upon being called on she entered. "The Council wishes to inform you that your presence will be required in the throne room in a quarter of an hour, Mi'Lady" a soft and light voice spoke, the girl keeping her head bowed the entire time.  
"Thank you. We will be there on time." Guinevere responded, offering the maidservant a smile. "You may leave."  
"Yes, Mi'Lady." The maidservant spoke, back peddling out of the room and closing the door shut.  
"Only a quarter left now. Do you think you will be all right?" Merlin asked, placing a supportive hand upon her shoulder, upon which he received a swift nod from Guinevere.  
"Yes. Everything will be okay. I am certain of it."  
"Then we should finish up the rest of the preparations." Merlin spoke, scurrying across the room and retrieving Guinvere's cape, her crown as well as some of her jewellery. Such a formal event required her full ceremonial gear, ornate crown, jewellery and a cape, at the lack of a better word for something that was draped over ones shoulders, and attached at the front. He moved to aid her in placing the cape over her gown, and closing the ornate clasps at the front. He gently set her crown down onto her head, before he laid out the jewellery for her to choose from and wear.

They both begun to move towards the door before Merlin came to a halt. "Your speech." He let out, heading back towards the desk and retrieving the piece of parchment, passing it over to Guinevere. "I wouldn't be a much of a good servant if I let you forget this." He spoke, a small smile appearing on his face. "No, that is true. That would be poor of a servant." Guinevere spoke, before she returned the small smile herself. "But that does not matter much, as you are the greatest friend one could ever wish for, and I am forever grateful for your support today, Merlin." He responded with a smile before he gestured towards the door, opening it for her in the process.

"After you, Mi'Lady."


	12. Memories (Part 3)

Chapter four continuation

They both set foot outside of the door, as they now begun the journey towards the throne room. Merlin walked besides Guinevere, as per her request until they started to near the location. Automatically Merlin begun to lag behind Guinevere. For each step they took, their hearts grew heavier as memories begun to flood their minds. Despite their light tone earlier in the day, this day would not be a happy and joyous one. Merlin and Guinevere had both been aware of this from the moment they had awoken, but they had reached a silent agreement that the day up until this point would be best spent in a happy and light tone, in order to not weigh their minds down to the point where they would both be unable to complete this ceremony.

Merlin now followed a few steps behind Guinevere, adopting a rather subservient nature as they rounded the corner, the doors leading to the throne room now appearing before them. Where they had acted as close friends in private, this official situation required them to act vastly different. They now had to act like a Queen and a Servant would, and in such a heavy and grievous event, light chatter to ease the mood would be unacceptable. There would be no more distractions for them now, they had to face everything head on.

Gaius turned his head towards the doors of the throne room at the sounds of them opening. Everyone rose to their feet at the exact same time and lowered their heads as their Queen marched into the room, bearing an aura of dignity and grace around her. Anyone with a set of eyes could easily spot the grief she had within her, revealed by the sadness in her eyes, and the heavy movements of her body. His gaze darted towards Merlin as he entered as well, a few steps behind Guinevere, just as one would expect from the Queen's personal servant.

Infront of the thrones stood a large coffin of ornate stone, carved with incredible detail and patterns. On top of this laid Arthur, being fully dressed in his royal garments, with his hands closed over a sword. They must have worked overnight, a large flock of stone workers in order to create this statue for this ceremony. They would not have had much forewarning, nor much time to complete the job, but even so the amount of detail was almost astonishing. It could have been Arthur, his cloak being draped down the sided of he empty coffin, looking as it it was fabric, and not stone. The sword had been carved in fine detail, the crown on his head the same way. From afar it resembled him a great deal, however as lifelike the statue looked, it was made of nothing but stone. Merlin had caught himself in whispering his name and turning to tears, having been set aback by the striking resemblance. They all had a ceremony like this fresh in memory, after Uther's passing some years ago. Once the ceremony was over, the coffin and the statue would both be brought to the Catacombs, where Arthur would be laid to rest besides his father, and his father before him. Treasures and gifts would be brought down to be laid near his coffin, in order to grant him wealth and fortune in the afterlife.

Guinevere walked forwards with steady steps, her gaze laid upon the stone carved version of her husband, and pushing the tears back before they managed to sprout forth. She had not been ready, but frankly, she doubted that she would ever be ready for something like this. She came to a halt before the coffin, and upon doing such Merlin left her side and stepped off to the side, standing in line with the other Servants currently present. All eyes were set upon her now. She sunk down to her knees, the joints touching the pillow that had been laid down, and Guinevere knelt, bowing her deeply towards her husbands empty coffin. And as she bowed, the others in the room did the very same thing. A minute of silence ensued, and once it had passed she rose to her feet.

Carrying herself in graceful steps, she moved herself around the coffin and laid a hand down upon the chest of the statue, her gaze now aimed out towards the group.

"You may all have a seat." She stated. The people took a seat, gazes placed firmly upon Guinevere, awaiting the Queen's memorial speech. Her gaze trailed briefly towards Merlin, and upon receiving a supportive nod, she cleared her throat.

Gaius peered ahead, restraining the tears of sadness as Guinevere begun her speech. He had known Arthur ever since his birth, and to now attend his funeral ceremony. It broke his heart, as he once again witnessed how unfair and unjust the world could be to those who resided in it. His hands remained folded in his lap, and he kept his gaze firm ahead, casting an occasional glance towards Merlin in order to see how his ward was holding up through it all. They would have much time to work through this together, once the formalities had been dealt with. Surely he must be troubled by it all, just as he himself was.

"We are gathered here today in memory of a great king, a beloved husband, and a valued friend. King Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther Pendragon was born within these very walls. Some of you knew him since he was a young baby boy, whilst others came into his life through different means, at different times and for different reasons. He valued you all greatly, viewing his people not as subjects, but at equals. In his eyes he was a mere servant to the people, and he fought with passion in order to ensure the safety and well-being of this kingdom. He was a brave and good man, and an even better king. His bravery did not come from a lack of fear, but from the strength to continue on despite his fears, to keep moving forwards no matter how dangerous the journey was.

To those who knew him, he was a great friend and companion, displaying care and consideration for his peers. To those who did not know him, he was just and fair, and he valued every opinion greatly before making his decision on any matter. He followed his heart and staked out his own path as King, and as a result the people grew to love him, trust in him, and place their faith in him. He died protecting all that he held dear, from those who wished to see it destroyed. No man was viewed as expendable in his eyes. Each man who fell on his orders was another death that weighed on his conscience. Some may have viewed this as weak, but this was one of his many strengths. He would rather have placed himself at the front lines, rather than risk the lives of his men.

His death was honorable. He lead his troops to battle at Camlann, and he fought to protect this kingdom and her people. He gave his life in order to protect his people, and to ensure a future for Camelot. If it was not for him, then Camelot would not be what it is today. We all owe him our lives, respect and our endless gratitude, for without King Arthur, Camelot would never have had a future as bright as this. I ask of you all to not grieve his loss, but to remember and cherish the life he lived, and everything good that he brought to this world during his time among us." Guinevere spoke, her hand eventually leaving it's place on his chest, returning back to her side.

"Rest in Peace, King Arthur Pendragon. We are forever in your debt."

Guinevere bowed deeply once more, the room completely silent through her speech. She moved off to the side, and took a seat, and soon others wishing to hold a speech in memory of their late king begun to move, repeating what Guinevere had done before them. It all went by in a blur from that point on. Guinevere found herself with a raging headache to accompany her aching heart, but found support in a warm hand that was placed upon her shoulder. It was Merlin, and he cast her a tearful glance. They would bear through these hours together, a friend supporting another through difficult times.

All the speeches seemed to contain the same things, just differently formulated. Everyone seemed to be in agreement with the words Guinevere had spoken. It seemed like most of them merely followed the flow of things. Some people looked to Gaius, as if expecting him to hold a speech for everyone to hear, but knowing the old man, Guinevere and Merlin both knew to expect otherwise. Gaius merely sat in his place, listening to the words with a tight and focused expression on his face. His lines looked deeper than ever, and they both acknowledged that it likely took everything in his power to not shed tears.

He was an old man, and he had seen many things. A part of Merlin wanted to believe that Gaius would be alright and pull through as he had done so many times before in his life, but another part doubted if Gaius would be able to take it. He was older than most, and he couldn't even bear the thought that one day, he would be losing Gaius as well. He only hoped that the man was able to pass in due to old age, not due to unnatural causes. Merlin simply watched Gaius from across the room, catching his eyes briefly and sending him a knowing glance, and an expression of support and understanding. He could not be with him right now, but it was important to him that Gaius did not feel alone.

It was going to be a long and difficult day for them all.


	13. Memories (Part 4)

Chapter four continuation

The ceremony was now coming to an end. The room was being emptied out as people went on to continue their daily business. Only the council members, Guinevere and a select other few would travel down to the catacombs where Arthur would be 'laid to rest'. Merlin was not included in the select few, nor was Gaius.

The room had now been emptied out aside from the individuals whom were to accompany their king to his final resting place, figuratively speaking. Arthur had been laid to rest at The lakes of Avalon, but formalities and traditions must be upheld. Gaius and Merlin were both asked to leave the throne room, as the next part of the ceremony was about to begin. The doors were closed shut behind them after they left the room, silent glances being exhanged between the physician and his ward.

"How are you holding up, Gaius?" Merlin asked in a concerned tone of voice, placing a hand upon his mentor's shoulder. A weak smile was offered in response. "I will be fine, my boy." Gaius responded, placing an arm behind Merlin's shoulders, patting lightly, before he headed off in the direction of the Physician's chambers. Merlin followed a few paces after Gaius as they made their way up the winding staircase.

Gaius pushed open the door, holding it for Merlin letting him enter the room before he closed the door behind them. Merlin took a seat at the table, leaning his elbows onto the piece of furniture whilst watching Gaius with observant eyes. Silently the elderly man went about his business, resuming his work without a single word being spoken. The silence was rather overwhelming, and after a short while Merlin finally spoke. "Need any help, Gaius?"

His question was met with a slightly raised eyebrow, which was then accompanied by a nod. "If you have nothing to do, you can prepare these herbs for drying" Gaius spoke, gesturing towards the basket of herbs that had been brought to his chambers, but not processed in any form or way.

"Sure" Merlin responded, rising up to his feet. He picked the basket up from the floor, clearing some space on the work desk, before he sat the basket down on a chair. He received some thread, and then begun the process of binding the stems of the plants, so that they could be hung up in order to dry. There was silence again, except for the sounds of the pestle and mortar that Gaius was currently operating, and the gentle sound of the plants moving against each other. He kept a keen eye on Gaius' facial expression, whilst dedicating enough focus to his own work. From the deep lines on Gaius' face it was evident that he was struggling emotionally, whilst attempting to maintain a solid and stoic facial expression as he worked, not to mention the work that was being done were things that could wait until a different day, which made it clear that the physician was attempting to distract himself. Gaius looked as though he could take to tears at any given moment should his focus be broken. It was difficult seeing Gaius in this emotional state, but it was very understandable. The man had been suppressing his grief ever since the news of Arthur's death had reached him, and he knew that he'd have to work through it sooner or later. It may be best if he did it sooner, rather than later, seeing how Merlin wouldn't be there for much longer, and if he dealt with it later, then he'd be almost entirely on his own.

"Gaius. Are you all right?" Merlin questioned, his gaze now fully set onto the older male. No response.

"Gaius?" Merlin repeated, his hands ceasing their movements as his brows begun to furrow ever so lightly. Gaius stopped what he had been doing as well, taking a rather deep breath as he did so.

"I am fine, Merlin." was his response, before his hands resumed the work they had been doing only a brief moment before. His voice had trembled when he had spoken, the way ones voice trembles when you have a lump in your throat whenever you are attempting to not cry. Gaius wasn't all right.

If only the stubborn oaf of an old man had acknowledged the fact that he wasn't all right, instead of attempting to hide it, then it would have been so much easier for him, but no. It could never be easy, could it? Now he had to nudge carefully in hopes of getting Gaius to open up to him, with the risk of the elderly man shutting him out completely.

"I don't think you are fine, Gaius." Merlin spoke, and upon doing so the lines on Gaius' face visibly deepened. His hands stopped moving again as well.

"What do you want me to say, Merlin?" the man muttered, his voice sounding choked and coarse.

"The truth. You are like a father to me, Gaius. I want to be there for you, but you won't open up to me. You won't talk to me about how you truly are feeling about everything that has happened. You don't have to be strong or brave for me, Gaius, nor do you have to for anyone else either. Talk to me Gaius, I beg of you. Seeing you this way, with no way of helping you.. It pains me more than you know." Merlin spoke.

It did not seem like Gaius could hold it any longer, his hands clenching tightly around the pestle and mortar, his eyes closed shut and as he exhaled, a sob escaped the body of the elderly man. Merlin did not waste a single moment, closing the small distance between the two, before he moved to close his arms around his mentor and father figure. "I am sorry, my boy. I am truly sorry." Gaius let out, closing his arms around Merlin in return, as he continued to shed tears.

"No, no. Don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. I understand, Gaius. You mean so much to me Gaius, and to Guinevere as well. I don't know what we could have done without you being there for us, but now it's our turn to be there for you. It goes both ways. You shouldn't ever have to try to shoulder everything on your own." Merlin spoke, tightening his hold ever to lightly.

"You sound an awful lot like me, Merlin." Gaius replied, a light attempt at a joke through his tears. "Of course. I learned from the very best." Merlin replied, a small smile appearing on his face.

The sun had set before the ceremony had finished in the catacombs. Guinevere was beyond exhausted, but there was still the banquet that was being held in Arthur's honor left. It wouldn't be much time to rest before she had to attend to this feast as well. She encountered Merlin waiting outside her chambers, the man offering her a small smile as he laid eyes upon her. He courteously opened the door for her, allowing her to step inside the room, before closing the door shut behind the two.

"Water? Wine?" Merlin asked, raising his brow lightly in an attempt to gage out Guinevere's current mood. "Water is fine, Merlin. Thank you." She replied, offering him a tired smile as she dumped down on a chair with such a lack of grace, that a sack of potatoes would have looked more graceful.

"Had a rough time?" He asked as he poured the water and extended the cup towards her. She took it and only nodded her head lightly. "Want to talk about it?"

"I feel like I have done enough talking for a year.. So no, I'd rather not." she let out, accompanying the statement with a very brief chuckle. "Understandable."

He sat down at the table, leaning his elbows lightly onto the piece of furniture. The room was unusually silent, revealing just how tired Guinevere must be.

"Did you tell Gaius yet?" Guinevere spoke. Merlin shook his head as a response. "Couldn't find the right moment. I'll tell him tonight." Merlin spoke in response.

" _Merlin!_ He deserves to know, don't you think?"

"I know he does, but I just never found the right time. I -will- tell him some time tonight." He reassured. "I wouldn't leave without telling him beforehand anyways. Not when things are the way they are."

"Good." Guinevere replied, offering up a small smile as she did so.

"We have a long night ahead of us, Merlin. Are you sure that you don't want to sit with the guests?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I am sure. It wouldn't feel right."

"You'd better stay hydrated then. I do not want you passing out on us again."

"You got it, Gwen."

The banquet begun, and Guinevere and Merlin found themselves holed up in the banquet hall along with Gaius, the knights and a large mass of unfamiliar faces. The voices blurred together, and many approached Guinevere in order to offer their condolences at the loss of her husband. The room was filled with chatter about Arthur, stories being told and memories shared between those present in the room. If Merlin focused he could pick up on the contents of a few conversations, but he opted to keep his ears to himself, standing by Guinevere's side and aiding her in any way he could, wether it be to refill her cup, or gently nudge her in order to help her stay awake and alert. Occasionally he knew names that she had forgotten, and he discreetly reminded her of them. Much like he had done for Arthur, when he had still been with them. There were a few individuals who made attempts at courting Guinevere, rather tasteless attempts, radiating with their lust for power. However, they were all turned down in a fashion which allowed the men to leave the situation with their dignity intact. Guinevere had a way with her words, and Merlin found himself admiring her for her ability to remain calm and collected in these situations.

The night drew to an end, and Guinevere retired to her chambers for the night. Merlin took this opportunity to speak with Gaius regarding his plan of heading back to Ealdor. They sat together at the table in the Physician's chambers, as Merlin explained his desire to head back to Ealdor, whilst offering reassurance that he would return once the time was right. It was dark outside at this point, but again the people had gathered in the courtyard with candles. He had wondered how many days they would do this before they felt that they had paid enough respect to their late King.

"I'll be back, Gaius. I know both you and Guinevere would hardly last a week without me." Merlin finished after relaying his explanation to his Guardian.

"You have my full support and understanding, Merlin. I am sad to see you go, but you will always be welcomed back with open arms, when you feel ready to return. I am certain that Hunnith would be overjoyed to see her son after so long. I've been meaning to send her a letter, actually. If you would be so kind as to take it with you." Gaius spoke in response.

"I'll bring it with me, no problem in that."

"Thank you, Merlin. You should go rest now. You have a long journey tomorrow."

As Merlin returned to his room for the night, he spent a short while packing his clothing and some of his possessions in preparation of the journey home. He would leave before the Coronation took place, but he would get up early in order to say proper goodbyes before his departure.

When he drifted off to sleep, he dreamt of the good times he had in Camelot, finding rest and comfort in his sleep.

 ****One chapter left! It may be divided into two posts, but I may cram it all into one large chapter. We will see what I end up doing! Also, we have over 1000 views on this story! It's truly remarkable! Thank you all so much for reading this far, and I hope you'll enjoy the last chapter of this story.****


	14. Moving On (Final chapter)

Moving On

Merlin awoke before first light, whilst it was still rather dark outside, but no longer pitch black. The sun would likely rise in three hours. He pushed himself to a seat, moving his hands and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, before he allowed his gaze to trail across his room. It looked awfully tidy compared to normal, which was due to the fact that most of his belongings had been packed up.

He shuffles himself out of bed, setting his feet down onto the cold floor, curling his toes lightly, before he pulls on his socks as well as his boots, preparing himself for the day that was to come. Carefully he pushed the door leading to the physician's chambers open, peering outside of his room. Gaius was still soundly asleep, understandably enough. He was likely one of the few people awake at this hour.

He moved silently around the room, starting the fire in the fireplace, silently making preparations for breakfast. He never made breakfast for Gaius, and he figured that he may as well do it now, since Gaius wouldn't be able to pester him into doing it more often. He was leaving today after all, and he still wasn't sure how long he'd be gone.

The table had been set, and the breakfast had been finished once Merlin went to wake Gaius. He nudged the elderly man's shoulder lightly. "Gaius. Breakfast is ready" Merlin spoke, only to be answered by a low, annoyed groan. Well then, he supposed that Gaius wasn't as much of an morning person like Merlin had expected. "Gaius" Another low groan was his response. "Gaius, you've overslept!" Merlin attempted, finally jolting a response from the physician. Though, he felt a bit bad once he saw Gaius' groggy and disorientated expression, it was still a somewhat amusing sight.

Upon catching glimpse of Merlin's cheeky grin, the physician was quick to connect the dots.

"Do you have any idea how early it is in the morning, Merlin?" Gaius questioned as he groaned and pushed himself out of bed and to his feet. "The sun has not even begun to rise. Not to mention, why are you up this early, let alone fully dressed and this chipper?" he elderly man continued, clearly not too happy about the way he had been woken up.

"I made breakfast. And I figured that since I am leaving for Ealdor today, that we should spend as much time together as possible, before I go." Merlin stated, thinking of the last portion of what he said right then and there. He hadn't really thought about it, but it was a pretty good point. It also seemed to calm Gaius' annoyance to a great degree.

"You are right, Merlin. I did not remember right away that you are leaving today." He spoke, patting Merlin lightly between the shoulder blades before strolling in the direction of the table, stretching his back lightly as he crossed the distance.

They both took a seat at the table, and Merlin proceeded to fill their bowls with porridge. He had decided to make the same thing they had a few days ago for breakfast, since it was rather filling, and kept him full for longer.

"So, when are you planning to head out, my boy?" Gaius questioned as he filled up a spoon with the porridge. "A short while after sunrise, to make the most of the daylight. Hopefully I can get there in two days, instead of having to camp for another night." Merlin spoke in response.

"That early. I am certain that there must be many people you need to speak to before you head out, Merlin."

"It's really only Guinevere and the Knights, maybe a couple of the folks in the kitchens. Shouldn't take too long." Merlin remarked.

They continued to eat their breakfast, holding a light conversation until the meal had been consumed. Merlin volunteered to do the dishes, somewhat to Gaius' surprise, although it was a pleasant one none-the-less. They remained together and spoke for a while, Merlin aiding Gaius in preparation for the day that was about to begin as they spoke. It was a good moment between the two.

Once the sun rose, the city was full of activity, the castle as well. The throne room had to be readied in preparation of Guinevere's coronation ceremony, preparations were also being made for the feast that would follow her coronation as well. The servants were going to have a very busy day, and Merlin in all honesty did not envy them.

He weaved his way through the masses, making his way towards the training grounds, where the knights were currently having a training session. The exchange between the knights and Merlin was brief. Sir Leon and Percival stepped away from training in order to speak with him, expressing their gratitude towards Merlin, for him having been there for them and Arthur, wishing him safe travels back to Ealdor, whilst expressing some sadness over seeing him leave.

"I'll come back. Look after Gaius when I'm gone, though. He might get a bit lonely. Gwen too." Merlin spoke, offering the duo a smile.

"Don't worry about it, Merlin. We will take good care of them" Sir Leon reassured, placing a brotherly hand upon Merlin's shoulder.

"Don't take too long. It'll be empty without you" Percival added, providing Merlin with a brief, brotherly hug and a firm pat on the back. He could've sworn that Percival could have broken him in half, had he been a bit rougher than he was.

"Thank you. I will see you when I see you. Both of you" he stated, offering them a cheeky smile.

They returned the smile, nodding their heads.

"Take care, Merlin." Leon added as Merlin begun to walk away.

"Will do!" He shouted out in response, turning around and offering up a brief wave, before he set off on his task to locate Guinevere.

A light knock sounded at the door, before it creaked open and a familiar face peeked inside.

"Oh, Merlin! You are up early" She spoke towards him, a small smile appearing on her face.

"I could say the same about you" He let out in response, closing the door shut behind him. "I've just come to say goodbye, really. I'll be heading off pretty soon, actually. Less than an hour most likely." He stated, coming to a slightly awkward halt near the door.

"Oh.." was heard from the young woman, as her smile faltered. "I forgot that you were leaving today." She added, setting her cup down as she was currently in the process of eating breakfast.

"Yeah.. Today's the day. Gaius seemed to have forgotten this morning as well." He muttered out in response. "So, you both got up quite early today then?" She questioned, receiving a nod as a reply.

"We had breakfast a few hours ago."

"Did you speak to the knights yet?" He nodded again in response. "Mhm.."

"Come, sit. Let us speak for a little while, before you go." Guinevere said, gesturing towards the chair on the opposite side of the table. He obediently took a seat, folding his hands together on top of the table. And then they begun to speak, keeping a conversation flowing as Guinevere worked through her breakfast, sharing laughter and smiles. Merlin was keen on joking around, and Guinevere welcomed the humor with open arms. The previous day had been heavy on the heart and mind, this was a nice change, although it would be brief and short-lived.

"I.. I should probably get going. I need to fetch my knapsack before I go." Merlin let out in the brief pause in the conversation. Guinevere nodded lightly. "You go fetch that, but let us meet in the courtyard before you go." She stated, offering him a small smile. He nodded in agreement.

"Sure thing."

Gaius was nowhere to be found in his chambers as Merlin returned. Perhaps he had gone out on his rounds, although it would be a bit early. Maybe the elderly man had hoped to finish his rounds before Merlin left. He supposed that the man had miscalculated the time.

He snatched his knapsack up from the floor, placing it onto his back as he begun to walk. He moved down the winding staircase. He probably wouldn't be walking here for a while, he thought to himself as he made his way towards the courtyard. He rounded a corner and slipped through a doorway, now finding himself in the courtyard.

He laid eyes upon Gaius, Guinevere, the Knights, some the kitchen staff, George(much to his surprise) and a few of the maidservants he had interacted with on a regular basis.

He came to a halt. After a spending a moment to gather his bearings, he begun to stride forwards again, a cheeky wide grin upon his face. They noticed his arrival, smiles appearing on their faces as well.

"I'm sorry Merlin. But as the word spread, some people insisted on saying goodbye." Gaius spoke, a slightly sheepish expression appearing on his face, as well as the faces of some of the knights.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Saves me the trouble of finding them all." He remarked with the same cheeky grin on his face. The next few minutes were spent exchanging hugs and words of goodbyes. He maintained a light-hearted and cheerful tone throughout the entire exchange. He felt blessed that all these people had come to wish him safe travels, and to say goodbye before his departure.

At last he exchanged hugs with Guinevere and Gaius, making note of their eyes starting to gloss over with tears.

"I will be back, you know? It's not like I am leaving forever." Merlin remarked with a smile upon his face. "Don't worry and I'll be back in no-time at all. You have my promise." he added. "I ought to get going now, though."

"Be careful out there, Merlin. And take care of yourself." Guinevere let out.

"I'm always careful, Gwen."

"Look after yourself, my boy. And send Hunith my best regards." Gaius spoke.

"Will do."

And at that Merlin turned around and begun to walk away. "Farewell, Merlin." Someone spoke, prompting Merlin to turn around again. "I will see the lot of you when I see you!" and as he turned around again, he rounded the corner leading away from the courtyard. Safely out of sight of the crowd, he let his tears fall, his legs carrying him away from Camelot.

Guinevere's coronation was held later on that day, but it did not feel quite the same without Merlin present at her side. The occasion went by in a blur, and yet everything stuck clearly in her mind. However, something was missing, and they all knew far too well what it was. And as the day reached an end, Guinevere and Gaius retired to their respective chambers, the same thought with different meanings flashed across their minds as they glanced around their empty chambers, listening to the deafening silence that surrounded them.

 _'I wish you were here'_

 ** _**Thank you all for reading this fanfiction! I hope I finished it up in a satisfactionary way. I didn't elaborate too much on the coronation, as we saw a glimpse of it in the final episode of the show. This story was also only about the things leading up to the coronation, and not the actual coronation itself. I already have a few ideas for a new fic, and I may create a sequel to this, of Merlin's return back to Camelot! Thank you for sticking around to the end, and please leave a review to let me know what you thought about this story! It will help me improve for the next fanfiction I write!**_**


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